The thriving journey of a woman - excerpt from my upcoming book "Love Intrigued"

Hi friends,

So, I've engaged on a  journey of writing a book; something I've been putting off for some time. So I thought I'd share with you a small excerpt from the book, which is pretty much work in progress. So yeah, please let me know your thoughts.

With love,
Lady B

The thriving journey of a woman

 

Life is a journey. For a man, it is a journey towards success, triumph and building a legacy. For many women, it's a journey to finding one's own and fulfilment a journey towards womanhood. For a black woman - it's a journey to not only womanhood, but to thriving. A journey of womanhood entails, discovering what womanhood is, defining what it means to you, and learning to embrace the gift that is womanhood. It is a gift because it is not just a natural phenomenon, nor inherent. It is more than gender, and genitalia. But rather the innate abilities that come with being a woman. Most of which we do not know, some we don’t even acknowledge, while others we conveniently remember during heightened feminist moments. But what is a woman? Who is woman? Her worth, contribution and being cannot be defined in the simplistic analogy of opposites, nor natural abilities that come with her genitalia. But she is a daughter, a sister, a mother, an aunt, a grandmother, a woman whose responsibility is more towards others than herself.

 

And in the journey towards womanhood; she loves, laughs, hurts, learns and grows. It's a journey she only can travel for herself. Even though she has people that travel along with her ; in the end; its journey she mostly travels on her own. It's the journey within.

Hair Politics

http://www.bellanaija.com/2013/04/18/long-or-short-straight-or-curl-hair-is-personal/



With India Arie's song I am not my hair......and Chris Rock's documentary on weaves, both worlds are often at conflict with each other, where the one group feels the other is hating on them.

Could this be a bigger phenomenon than hair, where the one "proudly" African group tends to accuse the other of not loving thyself. Pretty much like religion, where anything different is wrong?

I have relaxed my hair for as long as I remember. I recently had an attempt at growing my hair natural but I figured I don't have the patience for it. I love natural hair, and think it looks beautiful. However, I find growing it to be quite a mission, and this is my only challenge with natural hair.

My gripe, however, when it comes to hair is that there seems to be war between the naturalists and the relaxers/weave-wearing woman. At the risk of

 

sounding diplomatic, I reckon (and this is my personal position) that beauty in all its forms is about how you feel about yourself. So, if you feel beautiful in your natural hair, great, and if weave or relaxed hair does it for you, also great.

The issue here, should be celebrating beauty in its different forms. There is no standard definition of beauty, so let's celebrate it in whatever colour, texture or shape in comes.

Here's to woman and her beautiful self.
Lady B!

Love & Pain - Two sides of the same coin

So, the news making headlines of late is how a 21 year old woman in Soweto is to appear in court after cutting her man's genitalia after she caught him cheating with another woman. As to what are the mechanics of the action, and how humanly possible could the man have stood and watched her cut his 'tool' off is another thing. However my issue is to whether or not she did this out of love, anger or obsession. For purposes of this article; let's say she did it out f love.

Now, this has really got me thinking about the things we do for love.  We stick around in toxic relationships in the name of love; we stay in abusive relationships we claim to love the people we are with, or are under the illusion that they love us.

How many of us have been pushed to the edge to do something that was out of character out of love?  How many of us have compromised ourselves in the name of love? How many of us have continually hidden things away from our partners or done things which we knew very well would hurt our partners were they to find out about them? So then this bags the question; is love and pain one thing? Are they two sides of the same coin, that one can not exist without the other? Given the above scenario; and based on personal experience and observation, I'm inclined to believe that it does. As to which gives birth to the other; love or pain, is an issue for debate.

 

Lady B!

Hey Ladies,

So, reading through one of my favourite websites Bella Naija (purely because I admire the Nigerian's work spirit, note I said spirit and not ethic, as well as their dress sense); I came across this article about the dating culture of the Generation Y. And I found it to be quite an interesting read, particularly because one can relate and has observed some of these behavioural tendencies. It got me thinking if really it's because we have become so 'liberal' as we like to call it, or that philandery has become a norm in society? Either way, I'm a traditional girl who believes in simple preservation of self, and truly find these dating terms too complex.

What do you make of  these terms?

Ms B!

 

 The Dating Culture of “Generation Y”

Posted on Monday, September 9th, 2013 at 4:16 PMBy Oluwabusola Adedire

Anyone who knows me can attest to my love for Lauryn Hill and The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill remains one of my favourite albums till date. In the album, there is a song titled ‘Everything is everything’ I quote some of the lyrics below:

‘Everything is everything, what is meant to be will be’… /I wrote these words/ for everyone who struggles in their youth/Who won’t accept deception, instead of what is truth/It seems we lose the game/ before we even start to play/Who made these rules? / We’re so confused/Easily led astray.

These words struck something inside of me. It reminds me of my generation, the microwave generation which has rewritten the rules of dating and relationship. Dating in this generation is one of the most complicated concepts ever. Just like the John Legend song ‘everybody knows that, nobody really knows how to make it work’. But I also reckon it is complicated because we have made it so.

We have adopted a lot of modern terms such as talking, hooking up, seeing someone, friends with benefits, booty call and baby mama today. Even more recently phrases like ‘in an open relationship’ and ‘it is complicated’ as relationship statuses are emerging. Just to give a bit more insight, I came across an informal online survey conducted on some college students about these modern day terms.

Hooking Up:  The most ambiguous term used by Generation Yers. It means anything from making out to sexual intercourse. Generally agreed: hooking up requires no commitment.

Friends With Benefits: Friends who hook up without emotions attached. “People like friends with benefits because they are sexually frustrated and lonely, and it’s an easy way to satisfy that frustration without having to romantically like the person,” said Emily.

Boyfriend/Girlfriend: Exclusivity with someone sexually and emotionally, putting a title on a relationship and being committed. “Once Nick and I made each other our ‘boyfriend’ and ‘girlfriend,’ we were 100 percent exclusive and told other people about each other,” Sara said.

Together with someone: Hooking up exclusively with this person without a title, generally seen as avoiding the final step of commitment. However, some people see it as “hooking up and probably having sex, but not exclusive” or “exclusive, but no love yet.”

Seeing Each Other: Described by the Gen Y as “casual dating,” but can range from just hooking up to “the possibility of a relationship in the future.” In the beginning, Sara would tell people she was “seeing” Nick. “For us, that meant it was more than hooking up. It was dating without being official to the rest of world. There were times when occasionally we would hook up with other people.”

Dating: Ambiguously viewed by different people, it is often seen as the same as having a committed boyfriend or girlfriend. However, others define it as going on dates with multiple people.

Going on a Break:  Breaking up, but for only a short period of time. Allowing your partner to get involved with others varies from couple to couple. But some people find that going on a break is sometimes dangerous. “Don’t kid yourself, just break up already,” said one survey response. Stepp agrees: “Sometimes, a partner may use the phrase as a way to break up without admitting that’s what he/she is doing.“

Open Relationship: Most commonly described as a relationship in which you are allowed to hook up with or date other people. The two people have an “emotional investment” in each other but still can have sexual experiences with others.

Booty Call: What distinguishes a booty call from a hook up is that it is usually sexual intercourse that occurs late at night resulting from a phone call or text, fueled by alcohol or purely sexual desires. It is described by Gen Yers as “no strings attached” or “hit it and quit it.”  Culled from GeNYU.

 These days, people want to get results without work; and technology is not helping us either. Whilst reading some of the comments on the backup plan, I could not help but think ‘what are we doing to one another?’ Then we wonder why people can no longer stay married… it is because the foundation was shaky from the start.

In this frenzy of modern dating, we are all familiar with the talking stage. ‘Talking’ means different things to different people but one thing it has in common is two people who like each other but haven’t committed to one another. There is no harm in taking things slow and wanting to know what you are getting into… but there are people, who use ‘talking’ to pass time until they get a better option. Women are the most vulnerable at this point. I am of the opinion that the moment you are confused about where you stand with a man is the moment you should hit the road.

I think my generation is focusing on the wrong things when it comes to building something real. It is beyond attraction, beyond intimacy. In real life, real people have real issues.  When life happens and it always does, you need something stronger than the physical to scale through.

The foundation of any relationship should be built on God, honesty and respect. Many people do not know how to be alone therefore they would rather settle or gamble the options. Too many things have gone wrong, and change can only begin when we change our mind-set. We owe it to generation Z behind us to right our wrongs because if we don’t, catastrophe doesn’t even define what will follow. It starts with correcting our misconceptions about gender roles. Teaching our sons how to men, and it is not in the size of the wallet but the character (responsibility and accountability). Likewise, our daughters that beauty is skin deep, it cannot keep a man. As a matter of fact, you don’t need to be anything other than yourself to be with someone. If they want you, they will stay.

I look forward to living in a society where people can challenge the conventional mind-set around dating relationships. Honesty is KEY!  Be honest with yourself from the start to know what you want. Just like Lauryn Hill said ‘what is meant to be will be’. Don’t force or sweat it, there is a ‘perfect fit’  for everyone. And the only reason most people don’t get it is because they are too impatient to wait for it.

Photo Credit: thechicagocitizen.com

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Oluwabusola Adedire is a graduate of Medical and Pharmacological Sciences, an enthusiast on social issues, and loves to inspire people about life, God and Love. Find her on Instagram @hrh_oluwabusola and on Twitter @HRH_oluwabussie

 

 

Source:

http://www.bellanaija.com/2013/09/09/busola-adedire-the-dating-culture-of-generation-y/

 

Cultural Practices at play: the loss of one woman, the gain of another: a war of first ladies in Zimbabwe

Cultural practices at play: The loss of one woman, the gain of another - A war of first ladies in Zimbabwe.

Watching the South African television programme; People of the South, an interview  with Zimbabwean president, Robert Gabriel Mugabe, one saw a personal reflection of a man with a mind of his own.
With constant banging of the fish to emphasise his point, one can see a true fighter of the liberation of people, not only physically, but economically as well.

I also realised that a lot of my views of Mugabe are truly within what social scientists call the non-commitment zone, in that I'm rather neutral in what and how I perceive Mugabe to be; and that these perceptions have been purely based on the media portrayal of him (# the power of the media and influencing and shaping societal views).

What I found intriguing though, was the discussion on his relationships/marriages with his wives. Somehow, one can't help but detect that perhaps he's a man torn between his first wife (who was his pillar of strength, companion, and one with whom he possibly shared his deepest fears with; but one who arguably failed him in that she couldn't bear him children, and was ailing, and could not help realise the dream of a new Zimbabwe); and on the other hand, his second wife, a young, perhaps beautiful, modern professional woman (who gave him the thrill and excitement of young love, and one he could take pretty pictures with).
In no way, am I undermining, disregarding or disrespecting his marriage to and with Grace Mugabe; but rather reflecting on how Sally's shortcomings, bit her in the end, and another woman gained from it.

Can we truly say, as human beings, that we are accepting of our loved one's shortcomings. what is the thresh hold really?

Grandma's hands

In celebration of mother's and their nurturing hearts. Here's a beautiful song by Bill Withers - Grandma's hands.

 

Let's honour these hands that have prepared food for us, knitted clothes, and felt the cold, while holding and embracing life. The wrinkles that are the linelines that tell the story of our being, and the white hairs that symbolise wisdom.

 

To grand mothers...... 

 

Bill Withers - Grandma's Hands

Grandma's hands
Clapped in church on Sunday morning
Grandma's hands
Played a tambourine so well
Grandma's hands
Used to issue out a warning
She'd say, "Billy don't you run so fast
Might fall on a piece of glass
"Might be snakes there in that grass"
Grandma's hands
Grandma's hands
Soothed a local unwed mother
Grandma's hands
Used to ache sometimes and swell
Grandma's hands
Used to lift her face and tell her,
"Baby, Grandma understands
That you really love that man
Put yourself in Jesus hands"
Grandma's hands
Grandma's hands
Used to hand me piece of candy
Grandma's hands
Picked me up each time I fell
Grandma's hands
Boy, they really came in handy
She'd say, "Matty don' you whip that boy
What you want to spank him for?
He didn't drop no apple core"
But I don't have Grandma anymore

If I get to Heaven I'll look for
Grandma's hands

A mother’ day wish to my daughter - If I could

So, I spent my mother’s day, with my sisters and mothers on a weekend getaway to Kruger National Park, Mpumalanga.

The idea was to take our mothers out for a little time away, to relax and have fun. And that, we did. We had lots of fun, so thank you to all my sisters. Much appreciated.

Come Sunday morning, we treated the mothers to a special mother’s breakfast in the patio by the garden. And as the day progressed, I thought real and hard about what the day meant for me, as a daughter.

It, being my second mother’s day; I reflected back on the past year, when my little angel was just a week old, and how she has grown so much now that she has some diva tendencies, as her aunt would say.

Anyhow, thinking about this day, I realised that this is not so much about me  as a mother; but rather I owed it to my daughter, who, because of her, I’m a mother today. So, while many were wishing their mothers a happy mother’s day (rightfully so, cause that’s what the day is about), I had my own wishes for my daughter, and the best way to express it is though song (I’m black, and so we appreciate music heartily.J).

The song is by Regina Belle – If I could. Here are the lyrics; and I’m sure you’d also wish the same for your child. To motherhood, and womanhood, and the blessing that is a child.

If I could
I'd protect you from the sadness in your eyes
Give you courage in a world of compromise
Yes, I would; If I could

I would teach you all the things I never learned
And I'd help you cross the bridges that I burned
Yes, I would; If I could

I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn't mine
I watched you grow
So I could let you go

If I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would; If I could

If I live
In a time and place
Where you don't want to be
You don't have to walk along this road with me
My yesterday
Won't have to be your way

If I knew
I'd have tried to change the world I brought you to
Through there wasn't very much that I could do
But I still would; If I could

If, if I could
I would try to shield your innocence from time
But the part of life I gave you isn't mine.
I watched you grow
So I could let you go

If I could
I would help you make it through the hungry years
But I know that I can never cry your tears
But I would; If I could
Yes, I would, Yes, I would, If I could